RAWR RAWR

I LOVE SOMEONE WHOM I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
AND ONCE I HAD
BUT NOW THEIR TAKEN
AND THE FUTURE IS SO UNCLEAR
WHAT THE HELL DO U DO WHEN THIS HEART ACHE FEELING DISAPPEARS
WHEN COMFORT SPONTANEOUSLY TAKES ROOT
AND PAIN DISSIPATES FROM EXISTENCE?
A BILLION AND 2 MILES AWAY
MY HEART STILL WITH YOU WANTS TO STAY
AND FEELING THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED HAVE NEVER BEEN STRONGER
UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGUGHGHGHGHGHHGGUGHGHHGHGHGHHGUHGHGHGHGHHGUHGHGHGHHGHGHGUGHGH
FREAKING FREAKS FREAKING ME OUT LIKE FREAKS WHO ARE FREAKING USUALLY FREAKING DO!
I CAN'T STAND THIS!
YOUR WISE... RIGHT? THEN TELL ME IS THIS GOING TO TURN TO FALSE HOPE?
R U JUS TELLING ME THE WORDS YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE I NEED TO HEAR?
AND WAT THE FRICK IS MY HEART DOING RIGHT NOW?
:P :P :P :P :P :P

WTFC?!?!?!?
Ok my mom believes that Stratton my older brother is allowed to take w/e he wants to from MY past and rub it in my face!
NO! he's not
I don't take shit from anyone especially not him of all people. I mean seriously is there really any need for further explanation?
So today was just another battle to the death in which there was yet again NO DETERMINED WINNER!
I wanna knock a wall down!
CRUSH
BASH
SMASH
BREAK
TAKE
DESTROY
TOY
OWN
KILL
SPILL
DESECRATE
EVERYTHING right now!
I can't even play my guitar without being angry
or listen to music without being bored
or talk without wanting silence
I hate this state of mind
this presence and being
that is destroying me
But most of all I'm heart broken that I'm leaving Perry high next year to go to Basha
I'll have no one again
And no one will miss me at all
:/
but i guess that's how it has to be when yr me

Quick updates!!!!

1. Brandon and I are no longer going out! :/ (technical difficulties)
2. My "best friend is a back stabbing bitch whose trying to get with him
3. I'm soooo stressed
4.I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!

I wished you still loved me too

I guess there comes a point in every relationship where you just: NEED SOME TIME TO THINK"
but i guess i was naive enough to think we would never need that time
I thought we were perfect together
But maybe that's not what you saw

Your leaving crushed me down to the center of the earth the ache from my heart weighing so heavy I can't feel to move
But to acquiesce me of cheating to ask me why i can't date?
I am dating ..... Well I was dating you or so I thought for almost 6 months of my life
Cheating... how could that even be a consideration when I could hardly tell that there were other people on this planet besides you.. That would change anything anyways because your always more important

Wasn't it just the other day you were worried about rumors saying no one ever cared that we were dating before now they just want us to break up! And when i said no it's fine it doesn't matter.... And you said it did.. I reassured you saying that We wouldn't ever break up anyways... And you looked and me and said NO WE Won't...... Did this mean nothing

So you say we need a break .... well what does that do for my heart which you took into your hands and stabbed and ripped to pieces today. The only person in my eyes who I would fight hell and back again needs to think about everything.... Does this include if you still love me?

I understand the circumstances to an extent, and believe you because i do not wish to blame you
I know that in loss it is necessary to grieve, but this pain is not something i prepared myself for seeing as I always thought you would be the face look back at mine when i needed you most.

I didn't do anything wrong and I guess that's why more than anything this is consuming me
It's not like iI cheated on you
And i didn't miss treat you did I ...unless cherishing you is bad
I didn't call you names
And I have LOVED you and Still LOVE you immensely
Please clear up for me what your thinking about... and what it is you need to figure out
This is cruel in everything you've done and by deleting me from your accounts
your proving this is all on you
I love you more than anything
I just wished you still loved me too.

OMG! OMG! OMG! I've spent 4 months w/ the most amazing person on this planet!!!!!! That's friggin ... AMAZING!

So the 13th is 4 months and though I must seem like an uber nerd for getting this excited I LOVE IT!

It's super great that i've spent 4 months of my life completely content w/ HIM :p
4 months of peace
4 months of crazy jealousy
4 months of awkward moments
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

SO this is my girlie moments of thought lines that aren't full sentences
(and if you knew how many times I've had to spell check myself this far into this rant you would probably be embarrassed for me :/ )
Soooooo HOPEFULLY I'll be able to see brandon tomorrow :D
and HOPEFULLY I won't be a stupid retarded as I'm being right now ;)
AND HOPEFULLY My birthday goes well too and that people actually show up and that their isn't craziness!!!!!!!
(lol! there's always CRAZINESS wherever I am)
I'm about to give up on my typing skills cus I don't GOtZ any :( :p




OK SOOOO I LOVE YA ALL OR WHATEVER CUS NO ONE READS THESE :P SO I GUES I LOVE MY SELF CUS I"M THE ONLY ONE WHO READS THESE!!!!!!!

Stress!

stress commands my every word
anger grows
as hatred stirs
i'm not mean i'll tell myself
though my heart is beating something else

Stress commands my every move
it grips my throat
and scraps the wounds
I'm not cruel I repeat to myself
Though my hands are doing something else

Stress commands my every thought
weary voices
fill my thoughts
I'm not lost my inner lier screams
though my actions lead me to assume other things

Sunday!

Well sunday usually an amazingly long and boring day except for church around 11:45, but besides that remains an unnecessary part of my week and still in a way I cherish it as my last moments of relaxation b4 I begin another one of my very drama filled........ petty weeks like every other. but this sunday after not being able to go to church because everyone in my house waS SICK ........ I sat up in my room in a depressid state....... O_o SUDDENLY !!!!!! *gasp* 8D *IM MESSAGE*
Brandon: What r u doin today?
Devon: nofin y??!!??!!??!!
Brandon*pauses before posting a response* wanna go to the movies?
Devon: sure .... When? were? stuff like that?
Brandon: 6:30 Santan mall
Devon: what movie?
Brandon: *another long pause* Coraline
Devon:*shrieks w/ excitement* ok i'll go ask
Brandon: kk
(I ran down stairs and waited a couple seconds as i stood next to my mom on the opposite couch from my dad waiting for a very opportune moment to ask ..... knowing that they were sick and there was a huge possibility they would refuse with a passion :/! )
Devon: Hey momma brandon wants to know if I can go see coraline w/ him tonight?!?!?!?!?
Mom: Sure ya! but u better get me a starbucks!
Mom: Dad do u have a problem if dev goes to watch Coraline w/ Brandon tonight??!?!??!?!?!?!?1
(moment of epic fail or supreme victory :/)
dad: sure and i want a starbucks 2:P
Devon: *omg! running up the stairs
(gets back on the computer)
Devon: YES! i can go
Devon: ok?
Brandon: cool
( devon gets ready )
Brandon comes to pick me up and i have a bomb time the most epic ever I loved the movie and everything was perfect! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I thank my parents for letting me go ! ( I love my parents they're sooo good to me)

Dance Report!!!

Ok the dance was amazing .... TERRIFIC! 8D and everything was perfect <3>I know this isn't as long as other posts but I'm kinda tired sooooo my fwago is wearing out :p for the day :/
LUV YA ALL PPLS!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I promise I'll come bac and add more detail

retardation...... Dance Dance!

It's possible that stupidity is a disease and I think I caught it today O_o

 typical girlie teenager shit *drama*

jealousy..... WORRYING over nothing :/

It took a friend who cares to tell me all the amazing things I could already see 

for me to realize I already know how much it rocks my sox 

Now I'm just happy to be me!

I feel retarded though thinking all the stupid things I did

For doubting based on little changes that scare me

And not taking a few seconds to soak in everything that was really going on

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

WE INTERUPT YOUR SCHEDULED PROGRAMING TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN:

✯Dance Dance ....... Dance Dance ........ Dance Dance...... Dance Dance........... ✯

Soooo The dance is this saturday our school is gay sooooo they call The Sadie Hawkins Dance.... MORP.... Thus leaving both genders very awkwardly confused as to who is asking who to this grand event of epic teenage proportions... I would blame myself if I were the "Dance Planning Commitee" for no one showing up :p.....they all stayed home to sulk in their confusion .... and 20 years from now will still wonder "Who was fukin supposed to ask who?" in rage as they scream at the sky.... (not rlly that was only dramatic emphasis) 

The point is that I knew about the dance and didn't say anything for like 2 weeks to my "Dude Man" cus I assumed in my own stupidity that we were going together :/ Since we're going out and all...... BUT I was wrong to assume.......cus for some reason He wasn't saying anything about the dance either.... Me in a state of worry began to process the following options:

1. He isn't aware that there is a dance coming up shortly:/

2.He does know of the dance and doesn't want to go 

3.He does know there is a dance and doesn't want to go WITH ME!

4.He really didn't like the Winter Formal when we went together

5. He's busy

6. He's a Ninja

But never on this list did it cross my mind that he was waiting for me to ask him to the dance @_@......... WTF?!?!?!??! 

THANK YOU "DANCE PLANNING COMMITTEE" !!!!!!!!!!! 

I almost missed this fucking dance because I would have been like the many victims of "Who/the/what/the/fuck Syndrome" ***0_o**** not knowing that I as a girl was supposed to ask my boyfriend..... And in the end I looked Like a REEE-TAR-D! 

Sooo eventually I cleverly and covertly asked what his plans were for the 21st.... soo that he wouldn't figure out that I just figured out that I was supposed to ask him out..... @_@!.............

After a awkward conversation ... that half way through I figured out that "Dude Man" knew from the beginning what I was trying to ask... I finally just came to my point and "Dude Man" responds with "Finally i was waiting for you to bring it up!"

OMG! WTF?!?!??!?!?! NOW I FEEL EPICALLY STUPID!!!!!!!!!!

i must really suck ass as a girlfriend....... They have awards for this level of retardation right??? @_@

Anyways I'm looking forward to the dance :) ........ Saturday :) if everything works out how it should. 

He said "Sooo R we JONENSING or what??" She Said "Ya! of course"

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

welllllllllll this pretty much has no meaning no purpose....nothing.........

. and may or may not have a profound impact........ I'm officially jonesing..... :p it's seems silly or w/e but i guess if just that word could keep my parents together than it can bring me a little bit of happiness which is the most i've ever asked from the world.......... Now My Batman probably thinks I'm a flake for asking him such a ridiculous question as "Soooooo.... are we jonesing or what?" but it brought me a little sense of pride and accomplishment and not to mention the pure satisfaction of hearing him play along w/ my insanity just to bring a smile to my face....* :)*<---- That was the smile... (yes it was just like that!) And now i have tingles and my heart exploded and now it's raining sparkly things!!!!!! this is semi-embarrassing and well just plain immature. 0_o*rolls eyes* I NEVER PROMISED MATURITY!!!!! lol! anyways...... love seems more like a smile it's very contagious but only the really smiles r worth keeping around... same w/loveYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!  RAWWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!! 

Why the hell did today have to suck soooooo epically? Truly it was traumatic from the moment the alarm went off late.... I was rushed all day... I felt super distant from my Batman.... and on top of it all i was super duper uber lonely all day...... ;( ...................i have a shit load of homework........ no possible way to do all this shit my mother expects me to get done....... thankfully in between all the confusion, depression,  and panic attacks no one has forgotten to tell me how much i disappoint them and that some how i've managed to fail at everything including life and that i'm lettin everyone down. Well i thank you for the concern you didn't even pretend to have and i also know even if u had a heart that wasn't completely black and rotten to the core that u still wouldn't pretend to care...... The general people sux ass they can go to hell for all i care and this is mostly a rant for no one .......... all in all if i off my self right now i'm not positive anyone would be effected. anyways for the people out there who have managed to have a good day....u sux 2 but i am happy for u.... hopefully tomorrow will work out better for me.